


Lost and Found

by SohZodiac



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-03-26 15:33:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13860702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SohZodiac/pseuds/SohZodiac
Summary: Ryder has been missing for 8 years now. He's presumed dead by his entire guild. What happens when he arrives back at Fairy Tail?Explicit rating for smut in later chapters.





	1. Chapter 1

Gray entered the newly rebuilt guild hall and looked around, huffing at the raucous din that Natsu was once again at the center of. He really should've known better than to expect quiet and civility from his guild, but a guy can dream, right? He wouldn't have even come, preferring to drink alone, except that the bar he was at refused to serve him anymore. Already visibly drunk, he stumbled over to the bar and sat himself next to Cana, who was on her third barrel of beer.

"Drinkin contest?" he slurred, looking her in the eye.

"Seems like you're already almost gone," she replied. "I like a challenge."

"Suit yourself," Gray answered. "Oi, Mira!" The white haired mage looked up from polishing glasses. "Gimme barrel of the strongest drink we got."

Erza shot him a glare from further down the bar, where she was eating a slice of cake. "Do you really think you should be drinking so heavily, Gray?"

"Shut up," he snapped as Mira slid him the whiskey. "Not the boss of me," he grumbled as he started gulping.

Erza stood up and walked over to him. She requipped out of her armor into plain clothes and put a hand gently on Gray's shoulder, slightly surprised that he didn't immediately shrug it off. "It's been eight years, Gray," she said gently, correctly guessing at why he was drowning himself in drink. "You really need to stop this self destruction." Dropping her voice lower, she added "do you think this is what he would want for you?"

"SHUT UP!" he screamed as he turned toward her. "Don't talk about him, Erza, please," he begged in a low voice. "I just want to forget him, just for tonight. Please." He swiveled back around and took another large gulp from the barrel in front of him, unwanted tears pooling in his eyes but not being allowed to fall.

With a worried look, she left him alone, and the tears that had been threatening to fall made their way down his cheeks.

\----------------------------------

Gray woke in a very undignified manner, slumped over the bar at the guild, whiskey flavored drool trailing out of the corner of his mouth and pooling underneath his cheek. He didn't remember passing out, but then, he barely remembered even getting to Fairy Tail. It was early enough that barely anyone was at the guild hall, a realization he was grateful for. Natsu and his antics would only make his splitting headache worse. He really shouldn't have drank so much.

Gray groaned as he straightened up, his neck and back aching from the awkward position he passed out in. "Good morning, Gray," a cheerful voice said from behind the counter.

"'morning, Mira," he grunted. "Coffee, please, black."

"Sure thing, anything to eat?" she asked as she poured the beverage.

Gray caught a burp in his throat. "Not yet, not feeling that well."

"I'd imagine not, you drank a while barrel of whiskey after you stumbled in here. You made quite the mess over the counter."

Gray crossed his arms in front of him and slumped over, head cradled by his arms. "I didn't do anything else embarrassing, did I?"

Mira chuckled. "No, just puked and passed out," she said as she set the coffee in front of Gray. "Natsu challenged you a few times but you were too drunk to even stand."

Gray sipped the coffee. Nice and strong, just how he liked it. Mira made the best coffee. "You know, maybe I will have some breakfast."

"Sure, what would you like?"

"Surprise me."

\----------------------

"You mind telling me what yesterday was about, popsicle pants?" Natsu roared as he entered the guild around noon. "I was the one who was volunteered to help clean your sorry ass up."

"I didn't mean to get that far, flame brain."

"Yeah well, you did, you worried Wendy too. She thought you were actually sick."

"I'm not talking about it."

"I didn't exactly ask, ice princess. Now talk."

"I said no," Gray shouted, and he left the hall, slamming the door as he went.

Wendy was sitting by Lucy and Erza at a table, both avoiding the spot where Gray had been sick, even though it was cleaned now. "What happened to Gray yesterday?" Wendy asked. 

"Yeah, it's not like him to get completely wasted to the point of puking everywhere," Lucy said.

Erza put down her fork. "Yesterday was an upsetting day for Gray. Before either of you arrived here at Fairy Tail, we had another dragon slayer, one rivaling even Gildarts in power. Gray and him were best friends, and it wasn't very long before they became more than that. They had tried to keep it secret from the guild, but that didn't last very long. No one cared, though, because they made each other so happy." She smiled sadly at the dessert in front of her. "It was a good relationship, very strong."

"What happened to this dragon slayer?" Lucy asked.

Happy joined them, and continued where Erza left off. "He was an S class wizard, so he took the most dangerous missions. And on one of them, he was kidnapped by a dark guild. They sent us a ransom letter and said if we couldn't pay in a week, they'd kill him. Master would've paid, if we'd had enough."

Natsu sat down at the table with a plate full of fire chicken. "They sent us his arm in a box as way of proving they'd killed him. Yesterday was the anniversary of when we got the arm."

"Oh gods..." Lucy and Wendy whispered together.  
\----------------------

Gray returned to the guild hall just as it was getting dark, hearing the familiar shouts of Natsu and Gajeel as they fought. He opened the door and immediately joined in, stripping himself of clothes as he did so. "Ice make: Hammer!" he shouted as he moved his hands accordingly.

Natsu dodged his attack and spit back "Fire Dragon Roar!"

"Ice make: shield!"

The fighting continued for a while until the doors to the guild started to open a crack and Natsu's keen ears picked up on low wheezing. A figure in a black cloak stumbled into the guild hall, missing an arm and seemingly struggling to stay upright. No sooner were they through the doors than they fell to their knees. "Home," they whispered as they started to fall forward. Natsu instinctively went to catch the newcomer before they bumped their head. He rolled them over so they were lying on their back, and he gasped.

Natsu pulled the hood of the cloak back so everyone could see. It was a man, with long white hair pulled back into a ponytail and side swept bangs covering one closed eye. He had a long curved scar over his right eyebrow, and through his parted lips, you could see how his front tooth was chipped. His nose was crooked as though it had been broken a few times but never looked at or set correctly. And Gray knew that if his eyes were open, he would be met with a light steely blue gaze.

It was Ryder. He was home.


	2. Chapter 2

Time seemed to stand still. Gray couldn't move, couldn't reach out. The guild hall seemed to spin around him. Even as other Fairy Tail members bustled into action, he found he could not move. His eyes were fixated on one place- the face of his lover. 

It had been so long since he's seen that face. So long since he'd run his fingers through that silky white hair, though it was considerably shorter the last time they had met. His heart likely would've been busting with joy had his mind caught up with his eyes.

\-------------------

"Ryder!" Natsu screamed out, giving a few slaps to the unconscious mage's face. "RYDER!" Tears threatened to fall from his eyes as he gazed upon his injured guild mate. He quickly turned his head in Wendy's direction. "He needs your help, HELP HIM!" he shouted at the Air Dragon Slayer. 

"Yes, right away," Wendy replied, rushing over. She knelt beside the older mages and raised her hands, a magic glow emanating from them.

Erza pushed her way through the crowd gathered around Natsu, Wendy, and Ryder. "What's wrong with him?" she asked.

Wendy furrowed her brow in concentration, not answering for a few moments. "His heart is damaged from over exertion, a few other organs sustained damage I'm guessing from fights, and he's extremely malnourished and dehydrated, causing a low blood count. I can only help him so much, we need to get him to a hospital for fluids and a feeding tube."

"Then what are we waiting for?" Natsu roared, "let's go!"

"Right," replied Wendy, ceasing her magic immediately. Natsu adjusted his grip on Ryder so that one arm way under his armpits and the other under his knees.

He stood up and began carrying the older mage bridal style toward the guild doors, Happy flying next to him, when he heard Erza shout "Everyone stop." Looking around in bewilderment, he saw that damn near everyone in the guild was about to follow him to the hospital. Erza then continued, "I think only those closest to Ryder should be at the hospital, and Wendy for her healing magic. That means master, me, Natsu, and Gray. If Gildarts should return, inform him of what has happened so that he may come as well."

"If Gray-sama is leaving, Juvia wants to go with him," Juvia whined, pushing her way through the throng and latching onto Gray's arm, jerking him out of his reverie. 

"Will ya let go, Juvia? You're not coming," Gray reprimanded, trying to shake himself from the grasp of the rain woman. Turning to Erza, he asked "Where are we going again? AND WHY IS NATSU HOLDING HIM LIKE THAT?"

"Simmer down, stripper," Natsu admonished, "you're the one who spaced out. I caught him when he fell, we don't wanna move him too much by switching now, he's in a fragile state."

"What would you know about fragile," Gray grumbled as he finally got himself loose from Juvia's vice grip and threw his clothes back on.

"We're taking him to the hospital. Wendy says he's malnourished and dehydrated, in addition to damage to some internal organs. She can't do more than heal the organs; he's gonna need fluids and a feeding tube," Erza finally replied. "Enough talking, let's go." 

\--------------------------

The journey to the hospital seemed to fly by and before Gray knew it, the five mages and two Exceeds were standing in the waiting room, Gray half naked as usual. At some point during the travels to the hospital, Gray lost his shirt. He wouldn't have even noticed if Carla didn't point it out, shaking her head in exasperation.

After what seemed like ages, a doctor appeared before them. "Are you the party with Ryder Campbell?" he asked, flipping through his charts.

"Yes we are," Gray responded eagerly. "What can you tell us?"

"He has sustained major damage to his heart from over exertion, he has a severe kidney infection and kidney stones caused by dehydration, and he is severely malnourished, like this girl said when you brought him in. A blood transfusion was necessary when he arrived. We have him on an IV drip for fluids, our strongest antibiotic for the infection, and a feeding tube for nutrients, but the procedure to take care of the kidney stones will have to wait until he is more stable. He may be here a while, he may be here only a few days. It's hard to say at this point, it really depends on how his body reacts to treatment."

Makarov stepped forward. "What can you do about his arm?"

The doctor looked taken aback. "Sir, that's not really a priority here. It is a healed wound that miraculously did not get infected during healing."

"You don't know Ryder like I do," he said solemnly. "His ability to fight means more to him than I think anyone else realizes."

The doctor stayed firm. "Once we take care of the biggest problems putting his life in danger, we can talk about options for prosthetics. I think he would want to be a part of that discussion as well."

Gray got tired of waiting. "Can I go see him now?" he snapped.

"You may, but only two at a time. That's the rules of the ICU. Once he's moved to a different room, he can have more visitors, but for now, just the two."

"One of them has to be Wendy," Erza reasoned. "Go on, Gray," she urged. "We'll be waiting back at the guild."

"Hold on," Natsu started to protest, "I carried him all the way here, and -" Erza cut him off with a sharp glare. "Yes, ma'am," he cowered.

While Wendy and Gray followed the doctor to the room where Ryder was, the others quietly left the hospital.

\---------------------

"Ryder." The name slipped from Gray's lips, barely audible even to the keen ears of the dragon slayer next to him. He felt a familiar burning sensation behind his eyes. How many times had Gray cried over Ryder's supposed death over the year that he hadn't been stuck on Tenrou Island? Now that Ryder was alive and expected to remain so, even if he was sick for the time being, he was still crying. He let out a bark of bitter laughter as he realized just how much of a facade his tough guy act really was.

They entered the room to find two chairs, one on either side of the bed. Wendy sat in the one closest to the hallway and got to work, crossing her hands over Ryder as healing magic flowed through them. Gray took the seat nearest the window and gazed down at the unconscious body, studying the various machines and tubes hooked up to him. Through an IV connected to the crook of his elbow on the side closest to him ran fluids and antibiotics, there were monitors to measure his heartbeat and respiration, as well as his O2 saturation. There was a thin tube through his nose that Gray could only guess was the feeding tube through which he got his nutrients several times a day. 

Oh how he had dreamed of Ryder coming back, but not like this. In his fantasies, he had always been so jovial and full of energy when he returned, not sick enough to pass out in Natsu's arms - Natsu, of all people! - on the floor of the guild hall. He had imagined that they'd share a drink to celebrate, spar like normal, and that Ryder would kiss him gently yet passionately, in the way he'd been longing for since Ryder's disappearance. He had imagined holding this body all night on their first night back together, not watching on from afar as his beloved struggled to live.

A tear escaped from his eye and he choked back a sob as he looked upon Ryder lying in the hospital bed.


	3. Chapter 3

"Excuse me, visiting hours are over," a nurse called from the hallway. "You can come back at 8 tomorrow morning."

The magic glow disappeared from Wendy's hands as she dropped them to her sides, clearly exhausted from using so much magic energy to heal Ryder's heart and kidneys. She stood up she walked over to Gray, putting a hand on his shoulder and pulling him from a trance. "Come on, Gray. We can come back tomorrow."

"Yeah," came the soft reply. Gray stood up and forced his eyes away from Ryder. He looked so peaceful that if it weren't for the tubes and machines, he could've been sleeping. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and silently followed Wendy out of the hospital.

\--------------------

"I'll take you up on that drinking contest now," Cana said as Gray and Wendy stepped into the bustling guild hall, only to be greeted immediately by Carla.

"You look awful, child," the Exceed admonished. "You've used up far too much of your magic power."

"I'm fine, Carla," she assured. "Ryder needs my magic more than I do right now."

"But you don't even know this man!"

"He's important to the guild, and Fairy Tail is my family. So he's important to me too," she stated. "Besides, his heart and kidneys are almost completely healed! Another half day tomorrow should do it."

Without warning, Gray, who had found his shirt somewhere, pulled the young dragon slayer into a hug. "Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you so much."

"Yo, stripper," Cana called out, drawing Gray's attention. "We gonna do this or what?" Gray dropped his arms from around Wendy and made his way over to the bar.

"You're on," he said, looking her in the eye. He was also grateful to have a reason to drink without anyone giving him trouble about it.

\---------------------

Gray started feeling sick and stopped in the middle of his fourth barrel. He turned to Cana, visibly drunk, and slurred, "You a winner. 'M goin home." No sooner had he stood up to leave than he face planted on the floor of the guild, the floor cold against his bare chest. Seriously, when had he lost his shirt again?

He heard the familiar clanking of metal and looked up. "This is why you shouldn't drink so much," Erza scolded, holding out his discarded shirt. He stood up with as much gracefulness as he could muster being as drunk as he was and snatched the garment back from the Requip mage, hastily pulling it over his head.

"'M fine," he told her. She looked unconvinced, and even more so when he fell again after a few wobbly steps.

"Come on, Gray, I'll help you home." She pulled him to his feet and put one arm underneath his.

"Your armor hurts," Gray complained.

Erza requipped into plain clothes. "Better?" she asked. Gray just nodded and leaned heavily into her. She kept Gray upright and they slowly made their way out of the guild hall and through the streets of Magnolia to the ice mage's apartment. Once inside, she helped Gray into the bedroom and sat him down on the bed. "You need to get some rest and sleep this off." She then turned to walk out of the room but heard a strangled sob behind her, and she stopped in her tracks and pivoted back around. Gray was still sitting on the edge of the bed, but he had brought his hands up to cradle his hanging head. Erza walked over to the bed and sat beside him. "What's going on, Gray?" 

He shook his head at first, silent tears flowing down his cheeks. When Erza put an arm around his shoulders, he leaned into her and cried into her chest. Through the tears, he managed to say, "H-he seems fa-farth-father away th-than ever! He-he's b-back in Magnolia b-but I c-can't even h-h-hold him!" Erza rubbed circles over his back as he cried and talked. "Wh-when he c-came back, I thought it w-would be the s-s-same," he wailed in agony. He took deep breaths to calm himself, and the tears, while not stopping completely, abated significantly. He still buried himself into Erza, finding comfort in his sister figure. "He was supposed to come back and sweep me in his arms and kiss me and tell me he loves me, even if I can't say it back yet. We were supposed to spar like we used to. Go on dates, go on missions togeth-" 

"And you will," Erza said, stopping his words, still rubbing his back. "This isn't a death sentence, Gray. You heard Wendy, his organs are almost healed, and he just needs liquids and high levels of nutrients. He'll be back for real soon. Don't give up, Gray." She brought her other arm up to wrap him into a hug. "Don't you dare give up on him." She released him and placed her hands on his shoulders instead. "Now get some sleep. You can go see him again tomorrow, but only if you rest." 

"Yes, ma'am," he teased.

\--------------------------------

Gray was laying on top of Ryder, both men naked. One of Ryder's arms was wrapped around his waist while the other gripped his shoulder. Ryder was kissing him, fiercely, voraciously, sloppy, open-mouthed kisses punctuated by gasps of pleasure. Ryder thrusted upward, grinding his erection against Gray's, and moaned in pleasure. Ryder flipped them so that they were lying on their sides facing each other and reached down to grab Gray's throbbing cock, and-

_BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP_

Gray woke with a start - and a hard-on straining against the jeans he fell asleep in. "Dammit," he mumbled. He wished his clock had waited just a little bit longer. He stood up, stripped off the clothes he slept in in an instant, a sometimes useful side effect of his habit, and laid back down in bed, his erection screaming for attention.


	4. Chapter 4

Gray stared at his hard cock for a moment, still in a morning daze. He wasn't used to being up this early, but he wanted to spend as much time as possible by Ryder's bedside. "Better take care of this first," he grumbled as he reached down with his left hand. As he made contact, he tried to bring his dream back to the surface as a base for his fantasy, but it was already gone. "Dammit," he sighed.

It didn't take him long to create a new fantasy as he languidly stroked his erection. "Ahhh, Ryder, gnnh," he moaned wantonly.

As he continued his slow ministrations, his right hand trailed up his body, just barely making contact with his skin, tracing circles around his nipple. As two long fingers passed over the erect bud, a gutteral moan escaped him. As long as his eyes were closed, he could imagine that it was Ryder making him feel so good.

His hand left his chest and he reached down, taking his balls between his fingers. He started by slowly stroking them but quickly took them both in his hand, massaging them as his left hand gripped his cock more firmly and bobbed up and down with increasing speed, the foreskin sheathing and unsheathing the pink head. His breathing got faster and faster as he worked himself toward orgasm. "Gahhhhhh!"

He stopped fondling his balls and brought his hand to his mouth, sucking and twirling his tongue around two fingers, making them nice and slick. When they were sufficiently moistened, he lifted one leg and put a finger near his entrance. Still imagining it was Ryder and not himself, he took a deep breath and pushed in one finger. He gasped as the initial discomfort turned to pleasure as he probed deeper and found that ever important bundle of nerves hidden inside him. He thrust his finger in and out of his own ass, moaning as he did so, setting the rhythm that he matched with the firm strokes to his throbbing cock. 

He pressed another finger into his tight hole, grimacing slightly at the discomfort, but that disappeared as quickly as it had come. With two fingers working inside him, grazing his prostate with every thrust, in time with the pumps to his erection now leaking precum, he didn't last long, and strings of sticky white shot out of him and landed on his taut stomach as he all but screamed Ryder's name. He removed his fingers from his ass as he thought, "Shit, even after a shower, he's gonna smell it on me."

\----------------------------

Ryder turned his head up and sniffed the air, testing if it was just his imagination. Though it had been eight years, there was no mistaking that wonderful wintry scent.

The dragon slayer had only been awake for a few hours now, and he still felt very weak. He even had to call a nurse in to help him walk to the bathroom, something exceedingly embarrassing to someone once known as the strongest wizard in Fairy Tail. He hoped to regain that title, but knew it was impossible. His days as a fighting wizard were over the day he lost his arm. It was nothing short of a miracle that he had even survived his ordeal.

The scent got closer, and his keen ears picked up the pitter-patter of two sets of footsteps. His heart started racing. He was finally going to get to see his Gray again.

How had he changed? Had he gained more muscle? Grown out his hair? Grown a beard? How many more scars marked that hard body from fighting? Ryder was excited to see how much eight years had changed him, but then a thought crossed his mind that made his heart drop.

What if he doesn't love me anymore?


	5. Chapter 5

"404... 405... 406, here it is!" Gray exclaimed. He had good reason to be excited; the pair had originally gone to Ryder's old room in the ICU only to be told that he had woken up that morning and had been transferred to room 406 in the main hospital. Gray was ecstatic. Hearing his voice, getting lost in those eyes, these were things he'd dreamed about most nights. Over the past few days Ryder had been back in Magnolia, it's all he could think about.

The door was already open so Gray didn't bother knocking. What met his eyes was a beautiful sight: Ryder, clean shaven, sitting up in his hospital bed, holding a fork, albeit shakily, and eating without assistance from a feeding tube. He could hardly believe it that, after all these years, Ryder was so close once again. He was so overwhelmed with emotion that he found himself unable to speak.

"Hey, Ryder, it's good to see you awake," Erza said casually, as if it was not the best sight in all of Earthland. "I see they're letting you feed yourself."

"Yeah, after a huge fight," Ryder scoffed, setting down his fork. "Only let me after I threatened to encase the entire staff in ice. Apparently I've still got quite the reputation around here. They're afraid it'll hurt my stomach."

"It might if you're not careful."

"I've had this tray for 2 hours already, Erza. It's still mostly here. I eat what I can at a time, and when I feel I can handle more, I eat more," Ryder explained. "I wasn't about to let them keep tasting decent food away from me after living off rats and shit for 8 years." His face scrunched up as though even remembering gave him an awful taste in his mouth. It quickly dissipated as he dove into his question. "Speaking of it being eight years... How exactly the fuck do you both manage to look exactly the same? I half believe that I'm still asleep!"

"I'm sure Gray will tell you later. You two have a lot to catch up on," reminded Erza. "So... How are you feeling?" 

"Well my stomach is pretty small now, I can only pick at my food when I get hungry, I'm getting hungry a lot more, so that's annoying. I imagine that'll fix in time. And other than not being able to feel my arm at all, I feel great!"

Erza looked at him in shock for a moment. She decided to approach the topic carefully, in case Ryder had any amnesia related to his ordeal. "Ryder, do you remember these last eight years?"

"Most of it."

"Do you remember losing your arm?"

Ryder stared in horror as he lifted the nub of his right arm, cut off slightly below the elbow. Then a smile broke out across his face. "'course I remember, I'm just teasing. Been without this arm for almost the whole time I've been gone." 

Ryder looked past Erza to the raven haired boy standing behind her. "Yo, icicle!" Gray snapped out of his reverie at the familiar nickname. "You even gonna say hi?"

"Ryder..." The name escaped his lips, almost a whisper, but loud enough for a dragon slayer's ears. Gray felt a tear slip down his cheek and he stumbled forward, trying to figure out the best way to wrap Ryder in a hug. 

Ryder smiled invitingly as Gray stopped forward. He reached across his body with his left arm and put his hand on the younger mage's shoulder. "I'm happy to see you too." He adjusted himself in the hospital bed and leaned his face upward, lips parted, and moved his hand to the back of Gray's neck. Gray could melt in those steel blue eyes gazing up at him. Everything about thereby just so perfect, and great way happy to see that they had not lost their shine. "I've missed you," Ryder said softly, almost a whisper, as he pulled Gray slightly down to meet his awaiting mouth.

Gray enthusiastically returned the kiss, their first kiss for eight years. Ryder's lips were strong yet gentle, domineering in the best way. As their lips moved against each other, Gray let his body finally relax, and he sighed. This is how it should be.

"So I see you guys are still an item," came a familiar voice. Gray and Ryder broke apart to look at the newcomer. It was none other than Natsu, Happy flying close behind him. "I know it's only been a year for us, but it's been eight for you. Can't say I expected you to still harbor the same feelings. Guess it wasn't a dumb crush after all," he said, slapping Gray on the back. "Wonder how you're gonna tell Juvia though," he inquired, bringing one hand to rest under his chin while the other flopped across his body. Then, crossing his arms, he added, "we're gonna have to put Magnolia on flood watch."

"Juvia?" Ryder asked, a hint of jealousy in his voice. "Who is this Juvia?"

"A girl with an obsessive crush. It's annoying," Gray answered. "I'm not sure how many times I have to tell her to back off before she finally will." He turned to Natsu. "How'd you know to come? Just yesterday, he was in ICU with a limit of 2 guests."

"Warren used his telepathy to contact me about Ryder's condition shortly after we arrived," Erza explained. "Everyone at the guild was pretty worried."

"I'm sure they all can't wait to spar with you again. We've never gained strength quite like when we practiced with you," Natsu told his fellow dragon slayer.

Ryder chuckled. "That's a nice attitude to have and I'm glad to hear it, but I'm afraid I won't be fighting anymore. Can't exactly do most of my magic with one arm, and my non dominant arm at that. To make it back, I had to use strategy and underhanded tricks, or else I would've been back a lot sooner. The last battle I had, I had to fight so hard so win that I damaged my heart in the process." He smiled sadly. "I'm not a fighting wizard anymore."

"There will be none of that talk from you, Ryder," came the unmistakeable voice of the guild master. Eyes followed him as he walked around to the left side of Ryder's hospital bed. "Being a fighting wizard has always meant more to you than anything," he looked at Gray, "almost anything. You can't just give your whole life up. Gildarts has a prosthetic that still allows him to use magic, and you can get the same."

"Master, I don't have that kind of money."

"The guild does. After winning these last grand magic games, we can help you get your life back."

"I'm not a charity case," Ryder snapped. "I'm not taking money from the guild like that."

"I figured you'd say as much. After you start working and taking on missions again, you can pay back the money."

Ryder was silent. Was he really that important to the guild that Makarov was offering to use guild funds to get his arm back so he could use magic again? Even worse, was he actually considering it? While true that being a fighting wizard was pretty much his whole life, he was also a proud dragon slayer who didn't even like the fact that he needed help to hobble to the bathroom. Deciding to ignore his inner conflict for now, he turned to Gray. "Do you think you could make me some ice to chow on? The nurses here gave me some before they'd give me food just to see if I could keep it down, and I've tried to request more to get my energy back up, but they're pretty slow."

Gray nodded. "Ice make: geyser," he said bringing a fist to his hand, and a jagged structure of ice appeared to the left of Ryder's bed.

"Thanks, babe," Ryder said as he reached over and broke off a chunk. "Now, can we talk about how none of you aged at all the entire time I was gone? Here I am feeling like a geezer at 27 because y'all are still so young."

And so Erza, Gray, Natsu, and Makarov took turns explaining everything that happened on Tenrou Island while Ryder listened in amazement. He really had missed so much since he'd been gone.


	6. Chapter 6

_I'll never be a fighting wizard again,_ Ryder lamented as tears built up behind his eyes, spilling over despite his best efforts to keep them down. He raised the nub of his right arm, now covered in bandages, looking at it forlornly.  _There's no point in me being in Fairy Tail anymore._ He was so caught up in his own misery that he did not notice his visitor until he was already at the door.

"Hey, Gray," Ryder greeted, trying to sound cheerful, hastily wiping his face, trying to hide his despair from his lover. "It's still pretty early for you, isn't it?"

Gray shrugged. "I've missed you," he said casually. "I want to be by your side as much as possible now that you're back. Eight years without you took a toll, you know." He moved a chair to the left side of Ryder's bed and sat down, taking Ryder's left hand in both of his. "Now," he looked Ryder in his piercing steel blue eyes, "will you tell me what's wrong?"

Ryder snaked his hand out of Gray's grasp and cast his eyes downward away from the piercing dark blue gaze. "What do you mean?" He turned his head away from Gray, eyes still downcast. "I'm fine," he said.

"Ryder, I've hardly ever seen you cry before," Gray said gently. When Ryder didn't say anything, Gray continued, guessing correctly. "It's about your magic, isn't it." It wasn't a question. "About not fighting anymore."

"Gray..." Ryder warned.

"I'm right though, aren't i?" Gray didn't really have to ask; he knew he was. When Ryder was silent, he pressed on. "Ryder, stop being so stubborn and let the guild help you. You're too prideful for your own good."

"Dragons are proud creatures," Ryder replied simply, as though it were obvious.

"Okay, but you aren't a dragon," Gray told him. "You're a human with dragon magic."

"I was raised by a dragon alongside my mother until she died, then I was raised by him full time until the dragons disappeared," Ryder growled. "I'm close enough to a dragon."

Gray shook his head. "Your damned pride is gonna be your downfall."

"Please," Ryder begged, "let's talk about something else."

Gray sighed resignedly. "Fine. I'll drop it. For now."

"Thank you." Ryder let out a long sigh. "You guys probably told my landlord I was dead, right?" A furious blush rose to Gray's face and he began to sputter. Ryder laughed. "It's okay, you thought I was. You only had a severed arm to go off. If it wasn't for my magic and being able to freeze my blood, I would've bled out." He raised the bandaged-covered nub. "This morning, they cut off even more, the frostbitten part."

"You can stay with me," Gray blurted out. "My apartment is kinda small but we can make it work." He blushed even deeper and looked down to the floor. "I-I mean, if you want to."

"Or you could stay in my spare room," a loud voice belonging to a certain pink haired mage said as he and a demure white haired girl entered the hospital room. "I don't use it for anything and it'll probably be better than freezing your nuts off with the popsicle all the time."

Ryder laughed. "Have I been gone so long that you forgot that I'm an ice mage too? I kept my own place pretty cold, colder than Gray's normally."

Natsu brought his hand to his chin in concentration. "Oh yeah," he said, "I remember now. I could barely stand even coming over."

"Well what can I say, I'm one cool du-" He cut off his sentence as he got a good look at the girl behind Natsu. "Lisanna?" he said in disbelief. She walked forward so that Ryder could see her better. "Holy shit, Lisanna, it really is you! Where have you been, we all thought you were dead!"

"Well," Lisanna started, "There's this parallel world called Edolas, or there was. It's completely closed off now. I guess it still exists but we can't get to it anymore. Anyway, there were animas all over Earthland. When I lay dying, I was pulled up into one."

"That's pretty fuckin cool," Ryder said. "Can you tell me about Edolas?"

"It's a really long story," Natsu warned.

Ryder pointedly looked down at his hospital bed and then at each of the walls. "I got nothing but time," he finally said. "Besides, it's pretty boring in this hospital.

Natsu, Lisanna, and Gray started to tell Ryder all about Edolas, about the different versions of themselves that they encountered, about how magic was so much different, about the Excced, and about why Mystogan was no longer a member of Fairy Tail. At that part, he stopped them. "Mystogan's gone?! Damn. He was a good friend and sparring partner. I know he put you guys to sleep whenever he came, but we would catch up and challenge each other when he came around. I'm really gonna miss him." He pouted a bit, but quickly regained composure. "Dude, this is all incredible. I wonder, did you meet a version of me in this world?"

"Briefly, in the Fairy Tail guild hall," Gray answered, "but it was just too painful to talk to him. He looked just like you, except his hair was more like yours is now instead of what it was back then."

"I see. Bummer, I kinda would like to know how I'm different in that world." Then he smiled sadly. "You guys mentioned flying cats, Exceed, you called them. So... what exactly happened to Shadow after I disappeared?"

"She stayed with me and Happy for a while," Natsu answered, "sleeping all the time, barely eating, crying a lot. Then Queen Shagotte and the other Exceed came from Edolas, and she followed them to New Extalia. Haven't seen or heard from her since.

"New Extalia?" Ryder asked.

"It's an Exceed-only city created by Queen Shagotte after the Exceed fell from Edolas," Gray explained.

Ryder contemplated for a moment. "Do you think Happy would be willing to go find her for me?"

"Probably," Natsu answered. "He's at the guild hall with Carla and Lily. I'm gonna be on my way there now, I'm starving! I'll tell them to stop by so you can ask. Later!" He grabbed Lisanna by the wrist and they flew out of the room with a hurried "Bye Ryder" from Lisanna.

Ryder chuckled. "He hasn't changed a bit." He took Gray's hand in his own and a smile crossed his lips. Then, he continued, "No one has, not really. I'm glad for that. It almost feels like I never left." He leaned toward Gray and captured those icy lips in his own in a deep, passionate kiss.


	7. Chapter 7

"Don't worry, Ryder, we'll find Shadow for you," Happy promised as he, Carla, and Pantherlily left the room.

"Thanks, you guys," Ryder responded. "I miss her a lot." He turned to Gray. "Well, unfortunately, visiting hours are over for today. I'll see you tomorrow." He leaned forward to give Gray a kiss, and Gray closed the distance between their lips.

"See you tomorrow," Gray said as he got up from his chair.

"Wait, before you go, can I have some more ice?"

Gray smiled as he created another small ice geyser by Ryder's bedside. "See ya," he said afterward, then he was gone.

After Gray had disappeared, Ryder swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, still a bit shaky but much stronger than he was before. The nurse had disconnected his fluids IV now that he was able to drink by himself, allowing him to move freely about the room. He walked over to the bathroom and turned the doorknob, slipping inside and quickly shutting it behind him. He turned on the shower and stripped himself of the hospital gowns they forced him to wear. "Let's try this," he mumbled to himself.

\--------------------------

When Gray arrived at Ryder's room the next morning, the ice dragon slayer was nowhere to be found. In a panic, he rushed to the front desk, demanding to know what had happened to the mage in room 406.

"He's in surgery," the nurse replied. "Don't worry, he'll be out soon."

"What kind of surgery?" Gray asked.

"I'm not allowed to say, sir. You'll just have to wait for him to get back."

Gray wandered back to Ryder's room, worried.  _Nothing was wrong yesterday,_ he thought.  _Did Ryder take a nosedive overnight?_

About an hour later, his fears were abated when Ryder was wheeled back into the room, looking at a shiny metal arm with a look of immense joy on his face. He raised the arm, bent it at the elbow, and clenched and unclenched the first. Then he looked at Gray. "Like the new piece? It only cost my other arm and a leg."

Gray rolled his eyes. "I see you quit being so stubborn," he remarked as the nurse accompanying Ryder helped him from the stretcher into his normal hospital bed.

"Last night was the last straw," Ryder said. "I was taking a shower, trying to do it by myself, but I couldn't. I couldn't reach several parts of my body with just the one hand, so I had to call a nurse to help me. I'd rather accept charity just this once than never be able to do anything myself ever again." Then he laughed. "Master knew I'd change my mind, and he had already paid the hospital in full for the prosthetic that allows me to channel magic through it. Give me an ice block in front of me, and I'll show you."

Gray conjured up a large slab of ice next to Ryder's bed on the right side. "Ice dragon talon!" Ryder yelled, and long, sharp blades of ice protruded from the fingers of the new metal arm. He brought them down through the block of ice, slicing it to bits. He then turned to Gray with a smile lighting up his whole face. "See? It works!"

Gray couldn't help but chuckle at the older mage's enthusiasm. "I'm glad you like it. But how do they do it? How do they get it to move and bend like that?"

Ryder shrugged. "I'm not really sure. All they told me was they had a healing mage specializing in prosthetics come in during the surgery to attach the muscles and nerves in the right places so I could move it." He looked down at his new arm and flexed his fingers. "And it works like a charm."

\------------------------------

Ryder was discharged the next day at around noon. He was given back the same clothes he had arrived in, freshly washed: a black button down shirt, black cargo pants, and black sneakers, a stark contrast to his snow white hair. He also had arrived in a black hooded cloak, but was informed that it had shrunk exponentially in the wash and most certainly would not fit him anymore.

He and Gray left the hospital hand in hand and walked toward the Fairy Tail guild hall. "My favorite fuckin cloak," Ryder growled.

Gray laughed. "It's ok, baby, we'll get you a new one."


	8. Chapter 8

Gajeel was the first to notice when the pair entered the guild hall. "Gray, I never pegged you for a faggot," he yelled. The whole guild fell silent and watched Ryder and Gray for their reaction to the slur.

Ryder walked up to where he was sitting. "Watch your tongue, boy," he said. If tones of voice and looks could kill, Gajeel would be already dead.

  Gajeel seemed not to notice. "Whatcha gonna do about it, you fuckin fairy?"

"Gajeel, I really don't think you wanna make him mad," Natsu warned. "He can wipe the floor with just about anyone without breaking a sweat."

"Way I see it, if this fag don't want be called a fairy, he wouldn't be fuckin guys," Gajeel responded.

Fury flashed in Ryder's eyes. "Time to test out this new arm for real, I guess," he said, flexing his fingers. "Ice dra-"

"Take it outside, Ryder," the guild master's voice boomed. "The rules for you haven't changed. But Gajeel, I highly recommend you apologize and avoid this fight."

Gajeel smirked. "There's no way some fag's gonna best me," he said, standing up. "Outside, then."

Gajeel stood up and pushed past Ryder, making his way toward the door with the other mage in tow. Erza stopped Ryder before he went outside, begging "Go easy on him, Ryder. Remember, he's Fairy Tail too." 

He shrugged her hand off his shoulder and told her, "I'll fight however i please. His existence pisses me off." He continued to the door.

Once everyone was outside, Gajeel wasted no time in attacking. "Iron dragon sword," he roared as he lunged toward Ryder.

"Ice dragon armor," Ryder said as hard scales made of ice covered his body. Gajeel's sword bounced off of the scales, sending him flying backwards with the force of the recoil. Ryder didn't give him a chance to recover as he shouted, "ice dragon wing attack," sending two tendrils of ice toward his opponent, one slicing the muscles of his left shoulder, the other giving him a cut on the cheek.

"Iron dragon's Lance: demon logs," Gajeel sneered as his arm turned into a spearhead, sending several iron spears toward Ryder. The ice mage deftly dodged all of them with several consecutive handsprings.

"Ice dragon's Roar!" A large cyclone of ice pulsed forward from his mouth, hitting Gajeel square in the chest. Not giving him a chance to recover, Ryder shouted "ice dragon cold wing," and sent a large wall of ice at Gajeel's side, sending him to the ground. He was vaguely aware of people shouting his name, telling him that he'd proved his point, but he paid them no mind. All that he was focused on was the enemy in front of him. He reached inside of himself to his hidden potential and called upon his magic to grant him the power of a real dragon. He shattered his ice scale armor as blue grey marks appeared on his skin, the marks of the Dragon Force.

From his position on the ground, Gajeel yelled out, "iron dragon club," and turned his arm into a large black iron club, shooting it at Ryder.

As Ryder ran forward, he easily jumped over it and shouted "ice dragon secret art: ice dragon's frozen blades!" His hands became covered with swords made of ice and he lashed at Gajeel, swinging at any area on his body that he could. "Ice dragon frozen fist!" A jagged ball of ice covered his metal arm and he used it to pound Gajeel in the face over and over, leaving cuts and bruises. He leaped backward, crossed his palms, and shouted "dragon slayer secret art: supreme ice blizzard!" A flurry of ice and snow burst out of his hands, pounding Gajeel with extreme amounts of force. He ended the spell and started to rush forward, determined to finish this. "Ice dragon frozen claw!" he screamed.

"Solid script magic: barricade!" called Levy from the sidelines. Instead of slicing through Gajeel like he was planning on, he found himself slicing through Levy's magic. He turned to face the mage, anger boiling inside him. "Ryder, you need to stop. Now. Look at him."

Ryder looked back toward Gajeel. His legs were trapped in ice, one at an odd angle, his nose was broken, his face was filled with cuts and bruises that were starting to swell, and many parts of his body were covered with deep gashes and muscle tears that would take a while to heal.

"Please," Gajeel begged, sounding like he was struggling to breathe. "Please don't kill me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I won't say it again. Don't kill me, please."

Ryder noticed he was growling and baring his teeth, and he smelled the fear all around him. He relaxed his clenched muscles and looked around. All his guild mates were looking on in terror. He looked back at Gajeel, gulping down through a lump in his throat that had formed suddenly. He felt tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, and he turned and ran, pushing people out of his way.

"He's so strong," Wendy whispered to Natsu.

"The strongest I've seen," Natsu replied. "He's never gotten out of control on a fellow guild mate like that though."

\--------------------

Ryder pounded through the streets of Magnolia, tears threatening to fall, searching out his old haunts. It had been so long, but the city had not changed, which he was glad for. He found his way easily to the back alleys, full of dilapidated houses that nearly everyone had forgotten about. Everyone without a purpose for being there, that is.

He walked up to one of the houses and knocked. A ragged guy of about 30 opened the door, wearing a white tee and ripped jeans. "Ryder?" he asked incredulously. The mage nodded. "Never thought I'd see you back here, it's been, what, almost ten years since you stepped foot in these back alleys?"

"Yeah, well, shit's happened, Bryce," he said simply, not wanting to explain.

"Don't wanna talk, eh?" Ryder shook his head. "No matter. Come in, come in. I just got in some of your poison, man." He led Ryder through the house to the living room, which was littered with thick pipes, bongs, spoons, and needles. Bryce opened a cabinet on the far side of the room and pulled out a zip lock bag half filled with white powder. "One thousand jewel and it's yours. Think of it as a 'welcome back' special."

"Thanks, but I live with someone else now. If I'm gonna shoot up, it's gotta be here," Ryder replied, looking around.

"I get it, man. If you're looking for a fast high, I got a syringe already filled, on the coffee table, was about to take it before you came, but it's yours for 400 jewel. Like I said, welcome back."

Ryder walked over to the coffee table and left 400 jewel next to a syringe. He pushed up his sleeve, picked up a tourniquet, and tied it around his arm and his elbow. He picked up the syringe and clenched his fist as he punctured his vein in one try. He pushed in the substance, and it wasn't long before he felt that familiar rush of euphoria.

"This stuff's the best," Bryce said.

"This is the enchanted kind, right? Ride the rush for hours kinda shit?"

"Only the best for you, Ryder."

"Good. I'll be back."


	9. Chapter 9

Ryder entered the guild hall, trying his best to act natural. He did not like how all eyes were on him as he walked up to the bar, but he supposed that he shouldn't expect them not to be. "Hey, Mira!" he said, a bit too loud and boisterously.

"Hey, Ryder, are you ok?" she asked.

"Never better! Hey, where's Gajeel? I want to apologize." He was still a bit too cheerful. Fuck.

"He's in the infirmary with Wendy and Levy. You really knocked him around, I've never seen you get that way with a guild mate."

"Yeah, well, he was kinda askin for it, ya know?" Ryder smirked. "I thought another dragon slayer would be tougher than that, to be honest."

"No one can match you when you're in Dragon Force, Ryder," she said. "You should know that. Be more careful next time."

"Yeah, yeah, I will, I will. I'm gonna go apologize now." He turned and walked toward the infirmary, being a bit more careful to seem less chipper. 

As soon as he opened the door, he was greeted by a fuming Levy. "You're the last person who should be here right now," she told him, her eyes narrowed in anger.

Ryder lowered his head. "I know, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I got a bit out of hand," he admitted.

"'s my fault," came a rough voice from one of the beds. "I shouldn'ta said all that stuff. It'd piss anyone off."

Levy stepped aside with a pointed glare to allow Ryder into the room. "Can we put this ugliness behind us?" Ryder asked Gajeel. "We are guild mates, after all. We're basically on the same team."

"Yeah, I was thinkin the same. Just don't call me "boy" again like that."

"Noted. And don't call me or Gray derogatory things anymore."

"Agreed."

"So... truce?" Ryder asked, holding out his metal arm.

"Yeah, but, I can't really shake right now," Gajeel complained. "My whole body hurts to move. You really did a number on me."

"Again, sorry about that. I hope you feel better soon. Wendy's a hell of a healer." Ryder turned to Wendy. "By the way, I never thanked you properly for healing my insides. Let me take you out for lunch and ice cream tomorrow around noon?"

"Yeah, that sounds great!" the young dragon slayer responded.

"Alright! We'll meet here and then go!" Ryder then whipped around and exited the infirmary with a spring in his step. Once back in the main hall, his eyes scanned over the crowd. He quickly found the person he was looking for, the only one without a shirt in the whole room. He started to sneak over to him, exaggerating his movements so that his feet made no noise. Once behind his target, he put his hands on Gray's shoulders and shouted "BOO!"

The ice make mage didn't even flinch, and kept drinking. "Hey, Ryder, you seem chipper." He turned to look at Ryder. "You okay?"

Ryder looked at him in confusion a moment, but finally said, "That's a funny combination of sentence and statement, love." He booped Gray gently on the nose as she said the last word. "I was gonna go home, but I wanted a kiss first," he said, meeting Gray's lips with his own. Breaking away after three seconds, he added, "And I need the keys."

"Are you really ok?" Gray asked again, visibly disturbed. He tried to get a good look at his lover's face, but Ryder threw his arms around him, wrapping the younger man in a hug.

"I'm fine, love, just give me the keys please," he said, cocking his head and grinning.

"Okay..." Gray surrendered, and reached into his pocket, bringing out a shiny ring with three different keys on it. "It's the square one," Gray said.

"Thanks, baby," Ryder said before bouncing away. 

When he closed the door of the guild hall, Gray turned back to the rest of the table.

"What's going on with him," Gray wondered aloud. "He's not acting normal."

"Do you think it could be him falling of the wagon?" Erza asked.

"No," Gray snapped. "It's almost ten years since he's done that stuff."

"But Gray -" Natsu started to say.

Gray stood up and slammed his hands on the table. "No!" he shouted. He took a beep breath, and then, more quietly, "He's clean. He wouldn't go to that again."

"But-"

"I said DROP IT!" Gray screamed at her, hands and table starting to ice over.

"Okay, Gray, no more. Just calm down," Erza said. She reached out and put one hand on Gray's shoulder.

Gray took several deep breaths and sat down, slumping in defeat.  _It's been almost 10 years. He wouldn't do it again... would he?_

\-----------------------------------------------------

There was no answer when Gray knocked on his door when he got home. He turned to his left and retrieved the spare key he had hidden under some soil in the potted plant next to his door. Upon entering the apartment, he saw slumped over the kitchen table, long hair out of its ponytail, a bowl of cereal just to his left and a spoon in his outstretched right arm. Worried, he ran over to the white haired mage and checked his pulse by feeling the vein in his neck. It was a bit slow, but it was solid. Gray let out a breath that he didn't realize he'd been holding. "Ryder," he called softly as he shook him awake. 

Ryder opened his eyes after a minute, and said, very sleepily, "Hi, babe, what's up?" 

"You can't sleep at the table, Ryder," Gray said, chuckling.

Ryder slowly lifted his head and arm and sat up. "You're right, help me over to the couch."

"Oh..." Gray said, feeling slightly hurt. He had hoped to sleep next to Ryder and hold him and be held all night. Gray held out his hands, and when Ryder grabbed them, he pulled the dragon slayer to his feet. 

Ryder started walking toward the couch, but then stopped and swayed a bit before Gray caught and steadied him. Ryder blinked his eyes back open and mumbled, "'m fine, 'm alrigh'"

"Like hell you are. We're gonna talk about this in the morning." He helped Ryder finish walking the rest of the way to the couch in the living room, where Ryder promptly lay down.

"Love you," Ryder said quietly, and then Gray heard the sounds of soft snoring.

Gray gave a half smile and turned on his heel to go to his bedroom.  _Maybe Ryder *is* using again._ He shook his head to clear his mind of the thought. Impossible. Ten years of sobriety. Not even one relapse since he decided to quit. Gray turned the knob and quickly crossed the room to his bed, easily stripping out of his pants in the process. He laid down in his bed, where he tossed and turned all night.

\-----------------------------------------------

Ryder was nowhere to be found when Gray woke up, and he hadn't been to the guild hall either. Gray sat down at the bar to eat breakfast, trying to not think of where Ryder could be. Suddenly, he burst through the door, shouting, "Who wants to spar? I'll go easy on ya," he teased.

"Hell yeah, I'm in!" Natsu shouted, standing up and raising his fist. "And I *won't* go easy on you."

Ryder scoffed. "You think I need ya to, you flamin bitch?"

"You won't last a minute against my flames, ice breath."

And so the whole guild followed the two of them to the practicing grounds while they kept slinging insults as another.

_Just another day in Fairy Tail,_ Gray thought to himself.  _Ryder's fine,_  he decided.

Several days passed like this, with Ryder sparring with everyone from Fairy Tail, scaling his impressive strength back to where he was only slightly advantaged. He slipped away from the guild at around the same time every day, returning after about 20 minutes, acting a bit exuberant. He and Gray ate by themselves every day for lunch and dinner, talking about what had happened in the ten months he'd been gone from the guild before everyone got trapped on Tenrou Island, and the Grand Magic Games. Ryder wished he had gotten back weeks before he did so that he would've had a chance to participate. Gray noticed that Ryder was eating less and less but didn't say anything. His mind was still actively fighting the possibility that Ryder was using again, despite many signs right in front of his face.

The next day, Ryder took a job. Gray asked to come along, but Ryder was firm on taking the S-class mission by himself. "I'll be back in a week, maybe less," he assured Gray as he ruffled his hair and planted a kiss on his forehead. Defeated, Gray went to sit with Natsu, Lucy, and Erza.

"You need to talk to him," Erza said immediately. "It's getting obvious, Gray, can't you see it? When he's not exuberant and flamboyant, he's passing out and regaining consciousness often. He's not eating much and he excuses himself and vomits in the bathroom a few times a day. His magic is getting more erratic, sometimes he's not completely in control of it during those sparring matches. His eyes are different too, I can barely see his pupils most of the time."

"Erza..." Gray began.

"I know you don't want it to be true, Gray, none of us do. But if he is, we can't just turn a blind eye and continue to let him."

"No, you're right," Gray admitted. "That's partially why I wanted to go with him, so I could catch him in the act. There's hardly the ability to hide when on a mission. And I have no idea how to bring it up."

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Six days later, Ryder arrived back at the guild, looking a bit worse for wear, and immediately sought out the bar. "After a mission like that, I deserve a drink," he mumbled. "Strongest you got, Mira," he called. Gray walked over to where he was sitting. "Ryder," he said in a solemn voice. "We need to talk."

"Yeah, yeah, later," came the grumbled response. "I need a drink right now." He began to nod off, then jerked himself awake. "I'm fine, Gray." The younger mage grabbed him by the arm and led him outside where he pushed him against a wall on the side of the building.

"You're using again, aren't you." It wasn't a question. "You know that I know the signs, Ryder." Ryder looked down and to the side, avoiding Gray's eyes. "Answer me!" Ryder lifted his head and looked Gray in the face. Gray could see his eyes, glazed over with pupils the size of pinpricks. "Dammit, Ryder, why?" Ryder said nothing, just kept looking at Gray. "WHY, RYDER?" Gray screamed.

"Because I'm a killer," Ryder said softly, too soft for Gray to make out most of it.

"What?" Gray asked.

"I'm a KILLER," Ryder said, shouting the last word. "I'm a killer when I'm sober, Gray, and I can't be." Tears pooled in Ryder's eyes and he sniffled. "I can't be a killer, Gray, I just can't be." The tears that had threatened to fall spilled over and slid down his cheeks. "I can't be a killer, so I can't be sober."

Gray grabbed Ryder's shoulder. "You're not a killer," he said, looking Ryder straight in the eyes.

"Two hundred and forty eight," Ryder said.

"What?" asked Gray incredulously.

"Two hundred and forty eight. That's my body count. That's how many people I've killed." Ryder let out a few choked sobs. "When I'm sober, I kill people. That entire guild that captured me, even the grunts who didn't know me from Adam. I could've disguised myself as one of them and snuck out of the dungeon. I could've done it, I could've gotten out of there with killing only half that many, or even not at all." His voice had begun soft but had raised several decibels in volume. He nearly shouted his next sentence. "I didn't have to kill my mother. I had magic, she didn't. Even though she was attacking me, I could've just incapacitated her. But did I? NO!" He completely broke down now and let the tears flow freely. He leaned forward into Gray's shoulder and cried freely, his entire body shaking. "I-I-I j-just ca-ca-can't be a k-ki-killer anymore, Gray," he choked out between sobs.

"You only killed when you were in danger, when you had to. Anyone in your situation would've had they been able," Gray said soothingly, petting his lover's head and holding him close. "Baby, you can't go back to drugs, okay? You're only gonna end up hurting yourself and those around you." He pulled Ryder back upright and looked into his bloodshot eyes. "I need you to come to me when you feel the need to shoot up, okay? I can help you through this."

"I can't promise I won't go back," Ryder said honestly. "The high... it feels so good. It makes me forget what I did and helps me so I don't go out of control with my magic again."

"Ryder, you have to try. I know it's gonna be hard, but you have to try."

Ryder took a few deep breaths to steady himself. "I will," he said.

"Good. Now let's get you home." Gray put one of his arms under Ryder's to keep him steady as they walked back to the apartment they now shared. When they walked through the door, Gray dropped his arm from supporting Ryder to turn around and lock the door. When he turned around, he saw Ryder making his way to the couch again. "You know, you don't have to sleep on the couch every night. My bed is big enough for the both of us."

"Are you sure, baby?" Ryder looked excited at the prospect.

"Yeah," Gray said, his mouth dry. "I've been wanting to ask since you got out of the hospital but I wasn't sure if you'd want to and I didn't want to ruin anything."

"Let's go, then. Lead the way," Ryder said.

The pair went to the bedroom, stripping to their boxers as they entered. Ryder took the side furthest from the door and peeled back the covers, laying down and covering himself back up. When Gray laid down, he rolled on his side, his back to Ryder. "Cuddle me," he said. Ryder obliged and scooted closer so that his abs were touching his boyfriends back and slung his left arm over him protectively. Both boys fell asleep fairly quickly.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Ryder woke before Gray with a severe thirst. He had grown accustomed to keeping a glass of water on the coffee table by the couch but had forgotten to do so when he so suddenly moved into the bedroom. Moving without waking Gray seemed impossible with the way they were tangled together, one of Ryder's legs in between Gray's and an arm protectively slung over Gray's waist. He slowly straightened his leg, drawing grunts from the other man as he was woken from slumber. 

"Stay in the damn apartment, Ryder," Gray said groggily, not even opening his eyes or turning to face the older mage. "Stay with me, I know it's hard but you can do it."

"I was just getting some water," Ryder explained. "I'm parched."

Gray sat up, rubbing sleep from his bleary eyes. "I'll get it for you," he said, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.

"You don't even trust me a little?"

"Not for this," Gray admitted. "I knew you when you had this problem before, remember? Just keep laying down, I'll be back in a minute."

Ryder rolled his eyes and sighed. He knew it was his fault Gray didn't trust him, but it still hurt a bit. He heard the running of the tap in the kitchen and a small smile crossed his face. He supposed he was lucky to have someone who cared as much as Gray did. The flings he had had before, while they were fun, they gave him nowhere near the pleasure of being in love. But Gray... Gray was different. He had never meant to fall for him, it just happened. His eyes, his smile, the way he laughs, his fierce defense of his nakama, everything about him was wonderful. Gray returned to the room with a glass of water and crawled back into bed. Ryder sat up, grabbed the glass, took a long gulp, and set it on the bedside table. He then brought one of his hands behind Gray's head and pulled him in until they locked lips. Ryder's lips moved powerfully, yet softly and slowly against Gray's, trying to convey everything he felt in one kiss. He wrapped his other arm around Gray's waist and brought him in closer until their bare chests caressed each other. Ryder probed against Gray's moth with his tongue, asking for permission to enter. Gray slightly parted his lips in response, and Ryder took the invitation to explore every inch of that hot mouth. Their tongues intertwined, dancing with each other.

Ryder pulled away first. "You're amazing," he breathed. "I love you."

Gray could only smile in response. He felt the same, absolutely, but the words could not come to him. "Looks like we're up for the day, then," he said after a pause. "About two hours before noon, not a bad time to be up. Wanna go get some breakfast?"

"I'm actually a bit nauseous to be honest. Withdrawal is gonna suck again, I can already feel it."

\-----------------------------------------------

"Are you okay, Ryder?" Lucy asked as the group sat down for a late lunch at the guild. Ryder wasn't very hungry so he only got a small piece of fish and some mixed vegetables.

"What?" Ryder asked, looking back at her. "Oh, yeah, I'm totally fine, just, ah, just like... anxious?" Ryder was bouncing his leg at near light speed and couldn't seem to sit still. He was constantly looking around the room and scratching at his left arm. "It's not as good without actual nails," he grumbled. He began tapping his nails on the table when Gray reached over and put a hand on top of his.

"Baby. It's okay. You need to stop, you're scaring everyone," he said gently.

Ryder took some deep breaths to steady himself. Slowly, he relaxed his leg and unclenched the muscles he didn't know he had been tensing. "Sorry," he said softly. He looked around the guild hall again, seemingly afraid of what he would see.

"Come on, Ryder," Erza said, drawing him out of his hallucinations. "Let's go outside. You need some fresh air and a good spar."

"i can't, Erza. I can't fight guild mates," he said solemnly. "You saw what happened with Gajeel. I don't even want to take jobs that involve humans anymore."

"That's not you, Ryder. You typically don't go out of control like that."

Ryder dropped his eyes. "You don't know me anymore, Erza.  _I_ don't even know me." He looked back up, locking eyes with Erza. "I'm a killer. You saw what happened."

Erza thought about that for a second, then stood up. She grabbed both Gray and Ryder by the backs of the collars of their shirts and dragged them to their feet. "Outside, both of you."

"Erza..." Ryder warned.

"I said go. Lucy, Natsu, you come too. I may need you." Erza turned to the rest of the guild. "Laxus, you come also. Everyone else, stay here."

Everyone stared as the group exited the guild hall, many starting to follow but held back by their friends. There were many hushed whispers of "You heard what Erza said, do you want to piss her off?" and other things of that nature.

Once Ryder, Gray, Lucy, Natsu, Erza, and Laxus were outside in the guild's battle grounds, Gray turned to Ryder. "She wants us to fight," he said motioning at Erza. "To be honest, I kind of want that too. You need to know you're not a killer."

"Gray, don't make me fight you. Please," Ryder begged, dropping his eyes and shaking his head. "I don't want to hurt you."

"And I need to prove to you that you're not a killer. I'm gonna prove it one way or another, so it might as well be this way," Gray said, spreading his feet in an offensive stance.

"Gray..."

"NO!" Gray shouted. "Just no. Don't try to tell me otherwise. I need you to fight me, to see that you aren't a killer."

"I don't want to hurt you, Gray. You're the last person I want to hurt."

"Then who better to do this with?" Gray asked. Ryder scoffed in response. Then, Gray continued, "You're not going to, it'll be just like old times. Now, FIGHT ME!" He brought his hands together, fist to palm, and a frost started emanating from them.

"Gray, I'm not fighting you. You can just forget this."

"I'll make you realize that you're not a killer one way or another, now FIGHT ME! FUCKIN FIGHT ME, YOU COWARD! You don't deserve your S-class rank if you won't even FIGHT! Ice make: lance!'

"Ice dragon armor!" Ryder shouted as his body covered itself with shiny scales made of ice. "Gray, you need to stop."

"Ice make: geyser!" A sharp, jagged mound of ice appeared out of the ground right where Ryder used to be standing, had he not swiftly jumped out of the way. "Ice make: ice hammer!" A giant hammer made of ice materialized in Gray's hands and he swung with all of his might at Ryder, knocking him to the ground. "You're stronger than this, Ryder. Fight for real. Fight me! Natsu, Erza, Laxus, and Lucy are here to stop you if you start going too far, but you won't, because that's not you."

"Ice dragon's crushing fang!" Ryder shouted as he lunged toward Gray, sharp spikes of ice appearing on his elbows. Gray countered with his own "Ice make: seven slice dance," and the two warriors engaged in a close battle of arms. Ryder leaped back and yelled "Ice dragon's cold wing!" A wall of ice appeared to Gray's side, hitting him with a massive amount of force and knocking him to the ground. 

"Ice make: saucer!" A disc of ice appeared in Gray's hand, which he slung at Ryder with ease.

Ryder dodged the attack and countered with his own "Ice dragon's wing attack," encasing his arms and hands in ice and stretching out long tendrils, flinging Gray into the air.

Gray somersaulted in midair to land on his feet, yelling "Ice make: cannon!"

"Ice dragon's shield!" The shield of strong ice took the entire impact from the giant ball of ice hurled at him by the cannon, though it shattered upon impact. "Dragon slayer secret art: Supreme Ice Blizzard," Ryder shouted as he crossed his palms and sent a barrage of ice and snow toward Gray, knocking him to his knees. Jumping through his own attack, he yelled out "Ice dragon's frozen claw," but instead of swiping at Gray, he merely pinned him to the ground. "Got you," he smiled.

"Told you you're not a killer," Gray responded. He smiled up from the ground. "Even though your body's going through hell right now, you're not a killer unless it's necessary."

Ryder let his claws shatter and reached out to Gray, who gratefully took his hand. Ryder pulled him to his feet and wrapped him in a hug. "Thank you," he whispered.

"My turn!" Natsu shouted. "Fire dragon's iron fist," he shouted, charging at Ryder. Gray quickly got out of the way as Ryder formed a shield to block the attack.

"You're so on," Ryder smirked.


	11. Chapter 11

Gray woke to the sounds of Ryder being violently ill, followed by soft sobbing. "It hurts so bad," he heard him whine, followed by more vomiting. Gray rolled out of bed and walked to the kitchen to get him some water. A part of him felt guilty for Ryder going through this, but those thoughts were quickly dashed by the knowledge that it would be better for him after he detoxed, back on the road of sobriety. He walked into the bathroom and found his boyfriend a sobbing, shuddering mess on the floor near the toilet. "Baby, drink this. It'll help your throat." He reached out and wrapped his arm around Ryder, rubbing his back in circles until the sobs racking his body quieted.

Ryder slowly reached to the side with one shaky hand and grabbed the glass, bringing it to his lips and sipping it. He felt a cool, soothing sensation in his raw throat. He set the glass on the floor and leaned into Gray. "It hurts, Gray, it hurts. I can't- I can't do this."

"Yes, you can, baby," Gray said, squeezing his shoulders. "It'll suck and it'll take time, but it'll be ok." Then, Gray had an idea. He kissed the top of Ryder's head and asked, "How about I draw you a hot bath to help?"

Ryder nodded, and then grabbed his legs, howling in pain. "These muscle cramps are straight from hell," he said.

Gray rubbed his shoulders. "I know." One last squeeze, and then he stood up and walked over to the bathtub. He knew that usually, Ryder enjoyed showers and baths even cooler than he did, but he turned the hot water up until he could hardly stand it. As the tub filled up, Ryder crawled over to it.

"Why is it steaming?" the dragon slayer asked. "I like cold baths."

"I know," Gray replied, "but this is better for your muscles." Ryder put his pinky finger in and hissed, looking at Gray with a scowl. "Just get in," Gray laughed. "And don't freeze the water either," he added.

"Get a bucket please, just in case I get sick again," Ryder requested.

Gray left the bathroom and Ryder began stripping out of his clothes while remaining seated. Once naked, he rose to his knees and eventually, with the help of the side of the tub, to his feet, crossing one over into the hot water, hissing as he went. Then the next. Finally, he fully sunk down, the water rising to his chest, an "ahhhhhhh" escaping his lips as he settled into the heat. The water seemed to seep into his body, relaxing his tensed muscles, relieving the ache permeating through his calves. He closed his eyes, imaging that he was somewhere tropical.

Gray reentered the bathroom, carrying a large blue bucket. He could still see the steam coming off the water, definitely a good thing. He set the bucket down on the side of the tub and walked to the end of the clawfoot, putting his hands on Ryder's shoulders and massaged, starting off with circular motions made by this thumbs moving up and down the shoulders. Ryder hummed his approval. He then took a deep breath. "This is a really good distraction, Gray. I don't feel any craving right now."

"That's good," Gray said, continuing the motion of his hands. "You know, writing is a good distraction too, if you wanted to try it."

"I'm not really the creative type. I just get frustrated when I try to write; the words just don't come."

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The next few days passed in the same manner. Gray took care of Ryder as Ryder experienced terrible withdrawal symptoms. Ryder took several hot baths a day as relaxation for his muscles and to calm his cravings for the drug.

Once Ryder was feeling sufficiently better, he and Gray appeared in the guild again. They sat with Natsu, Lucy, and Erza, sharing a chaste kiss as they sat down. "How are you feeling?" Erza asked.

"Oh gods, it's been hell. But I'm feeling better now, thanks to Gray. He really took care of me."

"RYDER!" A shrill voice called out over the Fairy Tail crowd. Ryder turned around to find a blue haired woman pointing at him. "Now that Ryder is better, Juvia demands a battle."

Ryder shrugged. "Okay, just let me eat first, I've barely eaten anything this week."

"Juvia will be waiting." And she turned and walked out of the guild hall.

Ryder turned to Gray. "Isn't she the one that's obsessed with you?"

"Well  _that's_ an understatement," Natsu said through a mouth full of fire chicken. He gulped it down before continuing. "She's his own personal stalker."

"She's always harassing me," Gray lamented. "Maybe you can make her stop," he suggested.

About a half hour later after they had gotten their food and eaten, everyone in the guild made their way to the sparring spot. Ryder wasn't unused to this; for years, almost since he had joined the guild, the rest of the members gathered to watch him fight, and even sometimes just to train by himself. "Water slicer!" he heard coming from his side, and then a combination of the sounds of blades and running water came at him.

"Ice dragon shield!" he shouted, ducking behind the ice as the blades of water hit it and dissipated. "Ice dragon diamond fist!" he yelled, lunging at Juvia. His ice encased hand passed right through her abdomen. Shrieking in surprise, he jumped back, shouting "What the hell?"

"Juvia's body is made of water," Juvia answered. "Physical attacks are ineffective against Juvia."

Ryder smirked.  _Is that right?_ he thought. "Ice dragon cold wing!" he shouted as he swiped at Juvia with an extension of his arms and hands made of ice and snow. Much to Juvia's surprise, she was knocked to the ground by the attack.

She quickly got over her surprise and rose to her feet, raising her hand and saying "Water lock!" A bubble of water formed around Ryder, trapping him inside. Ryder froze the bubble and easily sliced through the ice with his Ice dragon freezing claw.

"Dragon slayer secret art: Ice dragon's supreme ice blizzard!" Ryder drew his fists together and shot a beam made of ice and snow at her, knocking her backwards.

"How are you hitting Juvia?" she asked when she rose to her feet. "Juvia's body is made of water."

"Shouldn'ta told me that, princess," Ryder responded. "I'm an ice wizard, a pretty damn powerful one, in case you haven't noticed. I simply have to freeze the point of impact, and my attacks will hit you."

"That's a dirty trick! How my love sees anything in you... No matter!" she exclaimed, moving her arm in a slashing movement in front of her torso. "Juvia will win Gray-sama's heart through this fight!"

Ryder's eyes narrowed. "What did you just say?"

"Gray-sama will be Juvia's, Juvia will steal him from you by winning this fight. Now, Water Nebula!" Two cyclones of water appeared, spinning around each other into a helix.

"Ice dragon wall!" The double helix of water crashed into the powerful wall of ice, splashing down onto everyone gathered outside.

Ryder stepped out from behind the wall of ice, rage in his eyes, anger seeming to emanate from every footstep, frosting over the ground he trod on. "Gray is not property for you to win, you bitch. Ice dragon's roar!" A large cone of ice erupted from his mouth, headed straight for Juvia. It hit her square in the torso, sending her flying backwards. "Gray is a human being with feelings, with emotions. He's not something for you to collect." His body started emanating frost, and gray-blue markings began to appear on his skin.

Knowing the signs of Dragon Force, Gray ran forward and locked his arms around Ryder. "Don't," he whispered. "She's not your enemy. Don't hurt her."

Ryder put his hands over Gray's and took a few deep breaths, the marks slowly disappearing from his skin. Ryder looked at Juvia, rising from the ground after his last attack. "Let's end this. Gray is an adult and is fully capable of deciding who he wants to be with. A silly battle isn't gonna change that." He and Gray turned and walked away from the grounds back into the guild.

Juvia was the last to shuffle back into the guild hall, and she immediately walked up behind Ryder. She rose her arm up, prepared to hit him with her water slicer, but Ryder reached behind him and grabbed her hand. Magic flowed through him as he froze Juvia's hands and feet. "I'm not fighting you, Juvia. Erza, Lucy, can you take her home?"

Erza and Lucy stood up and grabbed Juvia, the girl still frozen in place, and left the guild hall, headed toward Fairy Hills. Ryder continued eating but said conversationally, "Why is she so intent on fighting me? She knows what I can do."

"At least you didn't hurt her," Gray said as he took a bite from his plate.

"Probably should've to teach her a lesson about sexual harassment," Natsu commented. "How many times have you told her to leave you alone, Gray?"

"More than I can count, honestly," Gray admitted. "But she's still a member of Fairy Tail. She's still nakama."

\----------------------------------------------

Gray and Ryder took a job the next day, one that would take them far into the mountains. There was a village being terrorized by vulcans. They said their goodbyes, and promised to return in two weeks or less.

Juvia walked up to Erza, eating cake at the bar. "You know Ryder well. What does Ryder have that Juvia doesn't?"

Erza looked up into Juvia's eyes, and then flicked hers downward toward Juvia's crotch. "I thought it would be obvious by now, Juvia. It's not just you," she said, turning back to her cake. "Gray has never taken an interest in women at all," she said casually. "When Natsu arrived at Fairy Tail, Gray was absolutely taken with him. They ended up dating for a while, but then decided they were better as friends. Then right before Ryder, Gray and Loke were together. Ryder and Gray actually had an open relationship for a while where Gray still dated Loke. I'm still not sure why they broke it off, but that's not important." Erza turned back to Juvia, who had tears in her eyes. "What  _is_ important is that you respect Gray's wishes in this and stop trying to interfere.

Juvia turned away and let out a choked sob. Tears fell from her eyes as she ran back to Fairy Hills. She had not noticed, but a storm had rolled into Magnolia as she cried over the loss of any possible relationship with her love. Ryder could not be considered a love rival, because there truly was no competition anymore. When she got back to her apartment, she flung open the door, ran to her bed, and flopped down, stomach first and holding her pillow in her arms. She sobbed into the pillow as her lost love ran through her mind.


	12. Chapter 12

Gray and Ryder knew something was wrong as soon as they stepped into the guild hall two weeks later. No one was loud and boisterous, no one was fighting, and a hush immediately fell over the guild as everyone stopped talking amongst themselves when the pair walked in. Gray and Ryder shared a look before heading slowly up to the bar, looking around in utter confusion at all eyes being on them. "Hey, Mira?" Ryder called out. The mage looked around, wiping a glass.

"Oh, hey, guys," she replied, more somber than her usual self.

"Mind telling us what's going on?" Gray asked, harsher than he meant to. He didn't much like the feel of everyone's eyes on him, and he was getting a bit agitated.

"Oh... that. Well, you're gonna find out sooner or later, so I might as well tell you now." Mira turned away from them and set the glass down on the shelf before turning back and saying, "Juvia is dead." Both Gray's and Ryder's eyes widened in surprise.

"No way, she's one of the strongest mages we have, there's not a chance anyone could even hurt her. Her body's made of water, for fuck's sake!" Gray's words kept increasing in volume, until the last part of his sentence was almost a shout.

"It wasn't a battle, at least, not a battle with others." Mira smiled sadly. "When she hadn't been to the guild for a while, Erza went to her apartment to check on her. What she found..." Mira shook her head. "What she found, instead of Juvia, were three notes next to a pot on the stove, one to you, Gray, one to the guild, and the last one to Ryder. We all read the one to the guild. In it, she told us how she died. It was... it was awful. She lit her stove, turned herself to a puddle, and boiled herself. She also said she did it because of you and Ryder, but that's all. It was very short and didn't go into much detail."

Gray tried to swallow past the lump in his throat as tears began to burn his eyes. He was almost afraid to ask, "Can- can I see the letter she wrote to me?" Mira reached into her pocket and fished out two pieces of paper, handing one to Gray and one to Ryder.

"I kind of don't want to read it," Ryder quietly admitted, looking at Gray. "I already know what it's gonna say, probably." He folded the paper and put in his pocket. "I'm gonna go get some air." He tapped twice on the bar with a fist before walking toward the doors.

Once outside, he turned immediately in the direction of the back alleys. Halfway there, he stopped.  _What the hell am I doing? I promised Gray..._ he thought to himself.  _Would he understand? In a situation like this?_ He decided that he probably wouldn't be too forgiving or understanding if he shot up again. Though every inch of his body and mind was screaming for a fix, he turned himself away from his old haunts and instead went into a tobacco shop, where he bought the cheapest pack of cigarettes they had and a lighter. Once outside, he lit the cigarette and took a long drag, reveling in the feel of the smoke in his lungs. He exhaled and began making his way back to the riverbank by the guild hall, where he reached into his pants and retrieved the letter. He threw his cigarette butt in the river and lit another one. Mentally steeling himself for a virtual tongue-lashing, he opened the note.

_Ryder,_

_Juvia hates you. With every ounce of her being, Juvia wishes that you really had died during your capture. You stole Gray-sama from Juvia, and for that, Juvia can never forgive you. You would not even give Juvia a real fight, instead choosing to use her body made of water against her. Juvia wanted only to win Gray-sama back from you. Juvia's death is your fault, and your fault alone. You drove Juvia to this, you alone. Juvia doesn't care what anyone else says, you ARE a killer, and this is just one more drop of blood on your already stained hands. Juvia hopes she haunts you in your nightmares._

Ryder took a shaky breath. It was exactly what he expected, yet it still burned into him.  _You ARE a killer._

Ryder knew he was. He knew that no matter how much people tried to placate him by telling him otherwise, at his core, he WAS a killer. He'd killed his mother. He'd killed his way out of the dark guild. And now, he'd killed Juvia. He took another drag on his cigarette to try to calm his hyperventilation. It didn't work. He crushed out the cigarette and put the remaining half back in the pack to smoke later. He grabbed his knees and began rocking back and forth as tears sprung to his eyes and began coursing down his cheeks. He had never meant to kill her. He didn't mean it.  _I didn't mean to kill her, I didn't mean to kill her, I didn't mean to kill her, I didn't..._  His inner dialogue ceased and his surroundings began blurring into his childhood home as he saw his mother materializing before him. "NO!" he screamed aloud as he covered his face with his hands. "Don't hurt me again, please, I didn't do anything, please, Mom, don't." The figure kept coming toward him, swinging wildly, a drunken look in her eye. He felt his nose crack as she made contact with his face. "Stop, please," he sobbed. "I didn't do anything!" His mother didn't stop. She kept swinging at him, hitting any part of him that she could. Suddenly, Ryder roared and sent a spear of ice right through the heart of his hallucination. It landed in the river with a plop. The sound began drawing him out of his delusion. He was at the river in Magnolia again, not in the house he grew up in. He saw the blue sky, littered with fluffy white clouds. He felt the cool breeze blowing over him. He looked over his shoulder and saw the guild hall, magnificent as ever. He was safe. He wrapped his arms tighter around his knees and sunk his face into them, his body shaking with the force of his weeping. He didn't even look up when a familiar voice called his name. 

A soft hand landed on his shoulder and he jerked up. "Hey, are you okay?" Cana asked. "I was just out for some fresh air and I saw you totally freaking out. What happened?"

Ryder took a few calming breaths and wiped his eyes. He reached for his pack of cigarettes and re-lit the one he had put out earlier. "It's this fuckin letter," he said, taking a drag and exhaling a puff of smoke. "She confirms what I already know about myself, that I'm a killer. Mom, that guild, almost Gajeel, and now Juvia." He let out a bitter laugh and shook his head, taking another drag. "I shouldn't've come back."

"Don't say that, we're all happy to see you again, especially Gray. He was a mess when you were gone." Cana looked out on the river, rubbing Ryder's back. "It's not your fault, you know. Whatever she did is on her." She looked back at Ryder, ducking down to try and meet his eyes. "All you did was exist and be happy with Gray. You didn't do anything to her, I promise."

"Then why do I feel so guilty?"

"That's your programming. Whatever's happened to you in the past has molded you into someone who blames himself and feels guilty." 

Ryder took another inhale of his cigarette and said, "You're pretty bright, kid."

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Gray stared at the paper for almost thirty minutes without reading the words. Part of him was afraid of what it would say. He asked Mira to get him a mug of whiskey and finished the whole glass before finally setting his mind to reading.

_My dearest Gray,_

_Juvia is sorry it had to end this way. Seeing you in the arms of another, especially knowing Juvia could never compete, is more than Juvia's heart can bear. He won't even truly accept Juvia's challenge for your heart so that Juvia could try to win it from him, and you seem content with that. You seem so happy, my dear, and if Juvia truly loves you, as Juvia does, she has to let you go. This is the only way Juvia knows how. If it was another woman, Juvia could stay and win against her, but Juvia can never compete when Gray has loved men, as Juvia is not a man. Juvia will love you always and forever, my darling._

The tears that had been pricking at the corners of his eyes started to make their way down his cheeks upon finishing the letter that Juvia had written to him. Though he could not help his sexuality, he thought that maybe if he had given Juvia a chance, given her a chance to see for herself that it wouldn't work out between them, maybe she wouldn't have killed herself. He shook his head and tried to clear the thought away. He couldn't think like that. Suicide was Juvia's choice; it was not on anyone else, though he had a sneaking suspicion that she placed the blame on Ryder. Knowing him and his past, Ryder probably took it to heart and blamed himself as well. He took a deep breath and willed the tears to stop and wiped his eyes.

"Is it bad?" Mira asked.

"Mine isn't, not really," Gray responded honestly. "It's telling me as much as I already knew about her feelings for me, and how she could never compete with Ryder. I can tell she blames Ryder, though. And knowing him, he's probably blaming himself too." He folded the note and placed it on the bar. "Toss that for me, Mira. I've gotta go find him."

He didn't have to go far. Almost as soon as he turned to the door, Cana and Ryder burst through it. Ryder made a beeline for Gray and threw his arms around him, enveloping him in a tight hug. "It's not my fault, is it?" he whispered, swallowing past a lump in his throat.

"Not all all, baby," Gray said tenderly, rubbing circles into his back. "It was her choice. She's known for a long time that I wasn't interested in her, it's not because of you. I promise." He pulled Ryder back to look up into his eyes, and saw tears threatening to fall. Gray took his thumb and wiped at Ryder's eyes, and then leaned upwards to meet his lips for a chaste kiss. Breaking away,. Gray pulled him back into a hug. "It's not your fault at all."


End file.
